Binge Episode Day 7

Tags

anger, anxiety, binge, binge eating, broke, calorie counting, depression, emotional eating, failure, job hunting, rejection, self doubt

Too lazy to type out all of the crap I consumed, will instead put caloric amounts.
B: 262
L: 913
S: 537
D: 1,218

Total calories consumed today: 2,930 that’s close to one pound gain.

Today wasn’t a disaster, but my food intake was. I hung out with a mentor of mine in the morning, then went home. I was having very bad hot flashes, most likely because my TOM is around the corner. While I got off the bus, I checked my email……got my interview results which basically said “sorry, we had a lot of competitive applications, and you weren’t selected.” This made me feel like shit. Sure, life goes on and there are many other jobs but you guys don’t even know how much I was looking forward to working for them. As soon as I got home I called the HR person for interview feedback, and she said that my interview ratings were average. Next time I should give more thought out answers…..huff. What ever. Wish I just read it, accepted it, and moved on….but NO, negative thoughts consumed my mind. All I kept thinking about was “you’re not good enough”, “you’re a failure”, “ha, you got rejected”, “you’re not the hot shot you thought you were”….which then led to a binge episode. I ate and ate and ate just to suppress these thoughts….which it did, temporarily but it also sabotaged my week long of mindful eating.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to make good food choices. Another day to fight the battle, and be healthier mentally and physically.

C’est la vie.

Generation of Immediate Gratification

Tags

binge, broke, carpe diem, crazy, diabetes, food, impulse, impulsivity, instant gratification, money, obesity, patience, society, tattoos, yolo

When did we start being an impulse society? Eating on impulse, spending on impulse, fucking on impulse, leaving permanent marks on our body on impulse? Living with life mantras “carpe diem” and “strike while the iron is hot” instead of the less quoted ones – such as “good things come to those who wait” or “carpent to coma nepotes”? Is our preference for immediacy problematic, or not?

I am speaking from experience. I’m a whopping 245lbs because I give into my impulsive cravings, and because every single diet + exercise regimen I started, I quit from not seeing immediate results. I have barely $100 bucks to my name, because I shop on my desires than my needs. I have a permanent large bird on my left arm because I said “yolo” and “carpe diem”, which now is in the process of removal…

We know that not giving into impulses, and delaying the reward is ultimately more desirable, yet we still feed our impulses. Why? How come others are able to endure the wait for bigger and better outcomes, but I don’t?
Neurologists have studied brains on inpatient vs patient people and found that when people waited for a reward, patient people were seen—through the lens of a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine—imagining the future. In more patient people, the researchers observed increased activity in the region of the brain that helps you think about the future (the anterior prefrontal cortex). The patient individuals, it seems, devoted more energy to imagining receiving their reward later.

If this is the case, then can’t our impulsivity be solved by being forward thinkers. Sitting on an idea, and thinking about the future outcomes rather than acting on them? For example, while it’s easier, quicker, and cheaper to buy junk food – the larger future rewards are avoiding such foods avoids obesity and diabetes or even avoiding such foods for desire of future healthy body? It’s all easier said than done. I need to take notes, and follow my advice.

At this point – all I know is that giving into impulsivity hasn’t served me well – EVER. Repeatedly making decisions that satisfy my current desire at the expense of my future needs, has been negative. Knowing this, how can I learn and teach impulse control? How can we teach people to gradually tolerate longer and longer periods of delay between the availability of the smaller reinforcer and the availability of the greater reinforcer?

If I keep giving into my instant desires – I’ll keep livin la vida broka and miserabla…..

Duygudurum Gün 6

Tags

calorie counting, fat, food, food log, mood, obesity, weight loss

B: 1 1/2 cups cheerios + milk.
L: 2 cups tomato basil orzo soup + two pieces of honey wheat berry bread.
S: 3 chocolate sea shells. Pecan tart.
D: bulgur, potato and orzo w bread. Comfort foods.

Woke up, happy. Well, not really happy but content at the least. Took an extra slow walk to the grocery store to pick up another box of cheerios and some other goodies. Now just laying around in bed until I get the results from my job interview, or until other perspective employers give me a buzz.

Let’s see how the rest of the day is looking like.

Will continue tomorrow.

Dreaded day 5

Tags

anger, anxiety, binge eating, crazy, depression, domestic violence, emotional eating, exercise, fat, food journal, loneliness, loner, mood diary, recovery, sensitive

B: half an apple + grande vanilla latte.
L: Nectarine.
S: Three eggs + jalapeño + slice of bread.
D: Milk chai tea latte to relax and maybe some snacks…

Exercise: 1 mile walk + walking around the city killing time.

Okay, guilty as charged, I didn’t make the best food choices primarily because of the lack of preparation and job interview anxiety. The job interview wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be however at the end of it I started to second guess myself and regret not selling myself more effectively.
The food choices I made were based on my mood; yes, I have a tendency to binge eat but my lack of hunger was also due to my ansy and nervous mood. It’s interesting how self-consciousness, anger, stress all cause my cortisol level to rise thus increasing my appetite and cravings for sweet, salty, and fatty foods. However, genuine happiness, slight anxiety, and calmness curbs my appetite. I don’t know how it works, but biology is freaking interesting.

Upon returning to such family member who was trying to leave a domestic violence situation, I had a strange gut feeling that she is going to forgive the abuser. The abuser has been supported by my family for over five years – only because he is the boyfriend of the girl, and if he wasn’t supported then she would leave with him and wouldn’t talk to her family anymore. Instead of playing tough love, the mother of the female gave into all of her wishes and commands. This abuser is a stalker. He visits places she might be in hopes of talking to her, or coercing her into coming back. He is sick in the head but somehow I’m having difficulty getting this across to them.

In the past, i’ve neglected my health trying to control other peoples lives. I didn’t control it in a bad way; I just wanted to make sure the youth hung out with good influences, parents made rules and acted like good mothers and fathers, grandparents didn’t spoil their kids too much….however none of my family members really listened to me in these matters. I developed severe depression and anxiety because of this. It’s not so much that they don’t listen to me is what bothers me, it’s more so that as a result of them not listening, they get into shit and later plead to me for help getting them out of the situation. It bothers me. It makes me sick.

I don’t know what to do. How can I save people who don’t want to be saved? How can I try to change other people, if I can’t even change my own pushover ways?

I need a break from this family. I can’t wait to get a FT job so I can slowly move out……into my cute little one bedroom/studio apartment in the heart of the city, with a few fishes, birds, and a oversized dog. I don’t even want a boyfriend at this point. Too much work. Too needy. Ugh. Pets on the other hand, they don’t ask for much. Just a little bit of your time and food..

Until next time.

Messing around with plaid shirts in the fitting room. Remember those times when Cholas wore plaid, and not hipsters?

Mood Diary Day 4

Tags

anger, anxiety, binge, domestic violence, empath, food, sensitive

B: two cups of cheerios, cuppa milk, banana.
S: Small ice coffee with creamer and sweetener.
L: two packets of instant oatmeal, half an apple, and honey sprinkled on top.
S: Pecan Pie from Starbucks. I need my sweet fix, or else I’ll go nuts.
D: Cup of bulgur, few pieces of fried eggplants, and garbanzo beans + diced beef.

Today has been rough. I found out some things that I wish I didn’t but even if ignorance is bliss, it comes with a price. I’m glad I found out about the domestic violence situation a family member of mine was in. I have so much rage, anger, frustration and angst within me. All I want to do is strangle the guy who is inflicting mental and perhaps physical pain on this family member of mine. Instead, I simply messaged him saying that my patience is running low, and if I get the slightest sense of threat towards my family member, I will report him and I will show no mercy. (He’s already at two strikes I believe, and will be in jail for a while) or on probation. I just wish she makes the decision to leave him, for good, this time. My patience is running low – and my blood is boiling. The last thing on my mind is food (surprise).

Why haven’t I signed up for anger management yet? Too busy, don’t have the time, its not that serious, etc. Excuses I made. I really need to go talk to someone. Cold water, exercise, music doesn’t cool me much. I need a safe place to vent; otherwise I’m going to go crazy…even if my anger is rational.

Tomorrow is another day. “You’re having a bad day, not a bad life”

Fighting the battle day 3

Tags

anxiety, binge eating, depression, eating disorder, exercise, food, recovery

Brisk four mile walk.
Breakfast was one and a half cup of Cheerios with almond milk.
Half a banana and half an orange.
What’ll lunch be? ….

Cuppa rice, two koftas, lettuce with ranch and two pieces of eggplant. Then drank a cup of chai tea with one cup of whole milk and two tbsp of chai mix.

Dinner will most likely be three scrambled eggs with toast + pepper.

Today I didn’t really have a spike in my mood to have me binge on stuff. My cravings, although decreased are still present. I am not negating the fact that I am a sugar addict (yes it does exist). I’m trying to slowly ween myself off rather than go cold turkey. I rather replace bad sugars with good ones then completely get rid of it. I believe that eating breakfast significantly helped me control my hunger and cravings.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day to make good choices; mentally, spiritually, and physically. As the saying goes; “Everything is hard. Waking up and not liking what you see in the mirror is hard. Exercising and eating with portion control is hard. Choose your type of hard.”….something like that. 🙂

Today’s brisk walk face;

Mood diary day 2

Tags

binge eating, exercise, fat, food, food journal, mood diary

Started my day with a brisk two mile walk to Ballard, then returned home for a total of four miles in an hour and tenish minutes.

Walked another mile in the afternoon.

Returned for lunch and ate;

Cup of rice with three pieces of kofta, three pieces of cabbage roll, and salad. Then drank a cup of chai tea (mix + almond milk)

Then had a venti vanilla chai tea latte from Starbucks.

For dinner I ate a jalapeño bagel, 1 sweet potato, two pieces of kofta and half of cup of rice. For dessert I had a Starbucks pecan pie.

Total calories 2,493 which is not good. My daily goal is 1400 but I’ve gained about 500 calories from exercise.

Up until dinner everything I ate was intuitive and purposeful. After 5PM I started eating for the hell of it. Boredom, stress, anxiety, you name it, I had it. However I didn’t do too bad. I controlled myself and accidentally rewarded myself for exercising.

Tomorrow will be better! 🙂

After morning exercise face:

Mood Diary day 1.

Tags

anxiety, binge, crazy, depression, emotional eating, fat, food, loneliness, loner, ugly, weight

Today I started my day as follows;

Drank chai tea latte medium around 7AM.

Returned home and ate two pieces of grandmothers ‘borek’ with whole avocado.

Two hours after my nap – woke up and ate four pieces of bread with another whole avocado.

Two hours following ate 6 pieces of cabbage rolls.

One hour following; persuaded my mother to get me two chocolate mini cakes from Starbucks, hot cheetos, two cans of soda, and a cup of mac and cheese.

The first two meals were eaten out of hunger and boredom. The following meals were a result of me trying to suppress my feelings and emotions. I was feeling very down; down at the fact that another day passed post-grad that I’ve spent at home alone. I don’t go out with friends (not that I have much), I isolate myself from family members even though we live in the same house, I’m getting larger by the minute (reached my all time high of 250lb), and I promised myself and told all my friends the only thing keeping me living at home was school – and I’ve been out of school for about a month and a half now yet I’m still at home.

While I was eating all this it felt good. It felt like there were happy chemicals zapping in my brain from the first few bites but the following bites didn’t produce the same chemical reaction; instead it did what it always does which was stuff me passed my limits and help me reach a state of physical discomfort.

I feel sick. I feel suffocated. I feel full and uncomfortable. The only good thing is that my physical discomfort keeps me from focusing on my mental discomfort.

I no longer feel regret or shame after eating large quantities of food. I used to. Now I’ve sort of accepted it as my fate. I rationalize it by stating that some people resort to drugs, cigarettes, alcholhol, etc….but my drug of choice (food) is the least harmful (atlas I say so to make myself feel better).

I dream of better days.

To be continued.

Conquering my loneliness demons…….

Tags

binge, binge eating, emotional eating, food, loneliness

Shaking Off Loneliness. Brody writes, “I filled my lonely nights with food – Anything I could get my hands on, especially candy, cookies and ice cream. Food fulled the hole in my soul, at least temporarily”.  “Social isolation is on par with high blood pressure, obesity, inactivity or smoking as a risk factor for illness and early death.”

Tip 1) Identify triggers: 

Stress creates cortisol which triggers cravings for sweets, salts & high-fat foods.

Stuffing emotions like anxiety, anger, shame, sadness, isolation by numbing them with food.

Boredom especially when I feel unfulfilled and need to occupy my time somehow.

Tip 2) Emotional Eating Log:

Mood diary: what I ate (or wanted to eat), what happened to upset me, how I felt before I ate, what I felt as I was eating, and how I felt afterward.

Tip 3) Replace Emotional Eating:

If I’m feeling depressed or lonely, I should talk to someone about it or occupy my time reminiscing about fun times, or looking at fun photos.

If I’m anxious, I could release the energy by exercising, dancing to my favorite song, or squeezing a stress ball.

If I’m exhausted, I’ll treat myself to a nice cup of tea or coffee, take a bath with great bath bombs, light some scented candles and read a book, or wrap myself in warm blanket as usual.

If I’m bored, I can do all of the above plus turn to an activity I enjoy (outdoors, watching comedy, reading a book, scrapbooking, etc)

Tip 4) Pause when cravings hit.

I can take a moment to pause and reflect when I’m hit with a craving, I give myself the opportunity to make a different decision. Put off eating for five minutes, or if five minutes seems unmanageable, start with one minute. I wont tell myself I can’t give in to the craving; remember, the forbidden is extremely tempting. Just tell myself to wait. While I’m waiting, check in with myself. How am I feeling? What’s going on emotionally?

Learn to accept my feelings, even the bad ones….the ones that make me feel uncomfortable.

Tip 5) Healthy habits

Make exercise a priority.

Relax.

Connect with others.

Tip 6) Drink lots of water and sleep 8 hours a day

“Ghrelin stimulates appetite, while leptin sends signals to the brain when you are full. However, when don’t get the sleep you need, your ghrelin levels go up, stimulating your appetite so you want more food than normal, and your leptin levels go down, meaning you don’t feel satisfied and want to keep eating. So, the more sleep you skip, the more food your body will crave.”